Holy crap, Despereaux, I would be sorry if I lived, too...except it is not Despereaux, it is everyone else. All I can say is that I am digging for Lexapro in my bathroom medicine cabinet right now. Man, this book is SCHADENFREUDE. I am not sure what or whom to feel bad for in this book. I am not sure if I should be happy for anyone or just hoping they make it to Heaven safely. Before I go into my explanation of the almost-wrap-up of this book, I need to acknowledge a few things. Kate DiCamillo, I like you and your hair. I respect you for you being an author. It is amazing that you have a Newbery and have written very successful books. But damn. Really? So here is the disclaimer I am going to make: I know I am not a Newbery Medal winner. I know I have not written several successful kids books. I know I have not even published so much as a poem or a paragraph. But please tell me what gave you the idea to include SO MUCH PAIN in this book? I feel so bad for the characters. Why don't they just all kill themselves?
So, Reader (as DiCamillo states on every page), I would like you to ponder the above paragraph. Do you know the definition of ponder? If you do not, I advise you look it up in the dictionary (and these are specific instructions given in the book I shit you not). As the book as unfolded, many events have occurred. I am on page 237 of 267ish pages.
Event to the first since last night: We are introduced to a rat named Chiaroscuro (translates to arrangement of darkness and light together). He is brainwashed by Boticelli, a rat, and told to torture prisoners in the dungeon of the castle. He convinces Roscuro to take the possessions of a new prisoner. We find out the prisoner has a red tablecloth with him (this tablecloth was earned in an exchange along with a hen and cigarettes for his daughter). So, the tablecloth is a keepsake. He explains to Roscuro how he didn't even look back as his daughter was crying for him when he sold her. Lexapro
We then meet Miggory Sow, named after a pig. Paxil. Her mother died telling her she was worth nothing cimbalta. We find out her father sells her for a tablecloth, hen and cigarettes. vicodin. SHUN. Mig has to live with this man that purchased her morphine drip that she calls uncle. Uncle boxes her in the ears and hits her in the face thus making her lose her olfactory senses and hearing vodka shots.
Back to Roscuro. He discovers he loves light which is impossible b/c rats love darkness and live in it. So, he leaves the dungeon and stumbles upon a banquet. He climbs to the chandelier of the banquet hall. Princess Pea notices him and says something about a rat, but no one pays attention. He realizes the word rat sounds so bad when she says it and feels bad. Sorry. Well, he falls off of the chandelier into the Queen's soup. She sees him, has a heart attack and dies. SHUN PAXIL. Well the Princess gives the rat a dirty look and he decides he will get revenge. Ok...let's stop here. Did DiCamillo go to the ghetto to get that dirty look thing? OMG. That is hilarious that he is going to get revenge for a dirty look. "I know you didn't look at me that way." Oh please.
So back to Mig. Oh poor girl. The royalty bans soup and collects all pots, spoons and bowls from the nation. The knights run across Mig and her "uncle" and find out she is sold. They claim the deaf girl and take her to the castle. She becomes a good for nothing maid/servant, etc and gets fat and everyone hates her except the Princess and say she is good for nothing and she should just kill herself. Well, Mig wants to be a Princess. Everyone laughs at her in her face. Sad, sad, sad. One day, she is sent to the dungeon to take food to the prisoners. She meets Roscuro and he tells her his plan for revenge on the Princess for looking at him the wrong way and that he has a plan to make Mig princess. Well, Mig goes with his plan.
Back up. As he is telling the plan, Despereaux hears. He has escaped the dungeon and ends up in the kitchen. The cook sees him and tells Mig to kill him. She tries and cuts off his tail. Oh good God. Blood, missing appendages. Well, Despereaux hurts and cries and has bad dreams. Reader, do you feel depressed? My hands are trying to kill themselves so I don't type anymore of this depression. He is determined to save the Princess.
Back to Mig. She and Roscuro hold Pea as hostage in the dungeons.
Back to Despereaux. He falls in oil and flour, runs across mouse council. They think he is a ghost.
Despereaux tells the King what has happened. King says he is a liar because all rodents lie (my chinchilla does not lie).
This is where I am and I am done talking about this book. I know it will end well. You should read it.
SOOOOOOOOO...my day today.
The bus dumped patients off at Barnes and Noble. Oh dear God what a day.
Woman #1: She asks CKG and me "You ain't got no pens up in here?" Enough said. Get the Hell out of Barnes dumbass.
Woman #2: She says to CKG "I have been sitting over here trying to read and this music is too loud. It is distracting me from reading." CKG says "Ma'am this is not a library. This is a book and music store, we cannot control the fact that in store plays are what they are and we cannot control the volume at the Service Desk." She says to CKG "Well I feel like I am in a bar and grill." CKG: "This is not a library. We don't ask people to be quiet unless they are yelling. If you need somewhere that is quiet, I suggest you go find another place in the store, there are plenty of spots." Dumbass says: "This feels like a bar and grill." CKG says under her breath "You smell like one."
Oh what a day.
Finally, tonight, I went out. I don't normally go out, but I was invited out by my friend Dexter. He invited me as his guest to a Divorce Party. Well, I have never been to a Divorce Party because in the South, we bite our tongues and live with each other even if the love is not there anymore (unless you are Jenny Sanford where you right a bestseller or Mark Sanford where you profess your soulmate comment to the nation). Well, here in Chicago, we celebrate the ending of long, drawn out divorce processes. So this is what the party was celebrating. I have to say, I had a blast. It was an intimate party with about 25-30 guests. They were all a hoot! The party came with a bartender/server as well. The drink of the night was a French Screw; I indulged in two. I met a lot of great people and had a lot of great conversations.
But, there is one quick story to indulge from the fun. As I walked in, a guy pointed at me and said "You just came from Bally! I was on the eliptical next to you!" He, I think is 46 from what he said (btw...this is hilarious!). "I looked over and you were on your phone, then you were reading, then you were listening to music and you never touched the bars! How do you do that? I was waiting to see what the Hell else you were going to pull out! You had the whole damn works right there with you!" I laughed and told him about all of my reading and the blog thing. He said "Well I could never do that. And for God's sake, you pull out a tiny-ass waterbottle and I have a gallon of lifesaver Gatorade." How do you do it? You weren't breaking a sweat!" And then he found out I was reading the book and listening to music. "OMG. You were not listening to a book on CD and reading along? HOLY CRAP. I thought you were reading along. You were listening to music and reading? I need to work out with you. You are so in shape. If I read a book and got on the eliptical would I look like you?" He had me rolling!! He was great! He told everyone and the more "blood in his alcohol," the more people he told. I think he and I will be great gym friends!!!! :)
Well, here is my goodnight! Sleep well and dream well, unless Despereaux makes you depressed. Then, just take an Ambien and hope for the best.
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