Hilarity ensues at Barnes and Noble and Hitchhiker ends

Oh Barnes and Noble.

Tonight I was talking to a regular who normally sits right next to our South stairwell. The last time I saw her was just before New Year and she was bitching out another customer (the other customer was complaining because the woman was talking to me. She said that this was a bookstore and she needed to be quiet. This turned into "This is not a library ma'am. Do you hear the music playing? Do ya? Do ya? Yeah that's right. Libraries don't play music. So you need to shut up and let me talk to this young man. I want to know how he is doing. And another thing. You need to get your nasty feet off this table. People put food on this table." The woman responds in bitter tones. The response from the woman talking to me "Oh yeah woman? You should just shut your bitter damn mouth and get out of this bookstore if you think I am being too loud. Go to the library.").

So...back to the woman tonight. She asked me how my New Year's Eve was. I told her it was wonderful. I told her I had a great time and went to see the Addam's Family with Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuworth at the Oriental Theatre. I also told her I just saw her "friend" (lady from above) the other day. And then the fun began. Here is the NON stop conversation I got. It was totally one sided and she kept going and going and going and going and going:
Oh that woman is evil. You know, Satan is all around us and she is just doing his bidding. Satan is everywhere. It is the end of the world. In order to come to the end, you need evil people. That is what we have now. Evil people. Evil people are everywhere. The Prince of Darkness is already in control. He is here and everyone is doing his bidding. Everyone in Hollywood is part of it (really...did she just bring in Hollywood without provocation...maybe she saw the ad in our store for Ozzy's book signing in two weeks). In order to be an actor you have to be Satanic. Everyone in Hollywood is Satanic. All of the movies are about Satan. In order to act in a movie about Satan you have to be Satanic. Satanic movies have witches in them. Did you see What Not to Wear the other day. They had a real life witch on there. They thought it was the coolest thing to dress her. Can you believe it? A witch. Satan is everywhere. They are Satan for having a witch on there. And you guys have a section about witchcraft in this store. A bookstore? How can a bookstore be brought into Satan? All the corporations are going to Satan. They have signed themselves over to Satan for what? For money? For power? For Fame? All three. And then you have Teen books that are all about Satan; look at Twilight and all of those Vampire and witch Satan books. Have you seen your magazine selection? The cover models are all Satan. They look like Satan. I don't know how they get them to look like Satan but they do and they all work for Satan (is anyone thinking of Dana Carvey as Church Lady yet?)? Everyone is around Satan. It is going to be the end of the world because of Satan everywhere? Have you seen the sign everyone is throwing up in Hollywood? (This would be the sign of the Quiet Coyote if you are a teacher...stick pinky and pointer fingers in the air and bend middle and index down to your thumb) That is Satan with the horns. I got pictures of the Pope doing that. You know what else is Satan? People marrying interaccially. Everyone coming to the United States is here to wipe the Anglo Saxon race off the Earth because they know it is the smartest and most intelligent. And the kicker is about to happen. I am 100% Assyrian. I would never come here to take over. I would never marry another race. My family is 100%. My parents married within the same tribe. I would never marry anything other than an Assyrian. Just like you (talking to me )will marry something Irish/Anglo Saxon with blonde hair and blue eyes (ha). You would never go out of your race (ummmmm...does she know me? Has she looked at my track record...Hispanic, Asian, Greek). Interracial marriage creates identity crisis. The kids grow up not knowing who to identify with. They have nothing to hold onto. They get into trouble and become part of Satan. Now I know I live here in the United States, but I was one of the first Christian Conversions in Iran. It is ok for me to be here. My government is falling apart. We have no one to lead us. But everyone else here, that is Satan. This country was built on the minds and backs of the Anglo Saxons (does she know the history of the Civil War and what might have caused it? Could the African Americans not have had anything to do with it, as well? What about the Native Americans who helped the whites and then we turned around and screwed them over?). All of these people here are here to wipe out and overpower the whites. (I feel as though she was trying to justify herself as a white might at the Million Man March.) All of these cultures mixing is Satan's way of causing cultural warfare so we can kill each other off. And then because of all of this interracial stuff, people are being driven by another vehicle of Satan...divorce. Divorce is Satan's way of pulling us in. It is conspiracy and you know what else is conspiracy? Those gays and lesbians (uh oh). They are here to bring us down to Satan, as well. Obama is Satan, too. All of these people are trying to wreck the ideal, classic, American family unit/model. You saw the Addams Family the other day. That is just a mess...I mean I am not saying it is wrong of you to see it, but it destroys the traditional family unit. They are weird, they are Satanic, they are not right. That is not normal. What happened to the Facts of Life and The Brady Bunch? This is all divorce and gays and lesbians. All of it. The religious figures have sold themselves to Satan. Everything is magic now (so I guess this is not a good time for me to recommend Harry Potter and The Graveyard Book or The Lightning Thief?). People go to Macy's for magic in that star that represents their emblem. Starbucks has the Satanic star because they are witches (oh shit, I must have Satan in my digestive system and bladder b/c that was my dinner...thank God I will be cleansing myself and peeing him out after this blog). Can you believe people go for all of this magic stuff. They are evil...and this is the point...after 10 STRAIGHT minutes, I had to cut her ass off and go to Music to cover a break.

So. That was exciting. No one else was quite that interesting tonight. I had this thought, though, after helping a couple of people with Juvie fiction, I should read some of the Caudill Awards and Newbery Awards when I get the chance (maybe after I finish my book of the week) just so I can become more familiar. I have been meaning to read A Crooked Kind of Perfect by Linda Urban,
The Mozart Question by Michael Morpurgo, The Naked Mole-Rat Letters by Mary Amato and The Thing About Georgie by Lisa Graff. I am also definitely going to read the new Newbery before Stead comes to sign at our store.
Well I finished Adams' A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I have to say British humor and British anything is quite my cup of tea. Read Alan Bennett's An Uncommon Reader to see what I mean. I really Hitchhiker because of its wit. I would not say it is my most favorite book ever read, but it was fun. I found it enjoyable and the fact a depressed robot played a role made it much more enjoyable. You know how you picture scenery and people as you are reading? I could not quite get it out of my head that the book took place in the 7os. I realize it was written then but it is supposed to be futuristic and high tech. But yet, in my mind, everything had wood paneling, people wore yellow bell bottoms and the hair was Farah Fossett (sorry for spelling). I kept picturing everything as tape cassette and klunky. But, it was still fun.

As it ends, the crew lands on the planet Margrathea. Margrathea is responsible for building planets that are used as galactic vacation destinations. Zaphod is obsessed with this planet b/c it is a bit like Earth's Atlantis. No one is quite sure of its existence because it has been dormant for 5 million years (we later find out it is because the universal economic recession and no one could afford to vacation on pre-fabricated luxury planets). The planet ends up looking like shit and a dustbowl on the outside with smashed sperm whale parts all over it (you will have to read). The crew finds an entrance to the core and force Marvin and Arthur to stand guard outside. Marvin sulks and Arthur meets a Margrathean named Slartibartfast. Slartibartfast tells Marvin of the recession and says his planet is waking up because they have been commissioned for a special project. At this point, Sbf takes Arthur on a ride that is basically a tour de force of Margrathea's central core. The author describes the core as being 18 light seconds across which is around 3 million miles. It is describes as being this tiled room of unfathomable size. In the distance, Arthur can see a planet floating in the central chamber...it ends up being Earth. We find out Margrathea built Earth so we could find out the meaning of life in the universe. The Earth was destroyed five minutes before the meaning was discovered. So, Margrathea is constructing a new one from the old blueprints (they speak of how they are waiting for the casts of dinosaurs to insert in the soil) We also find out Sbf won an award for his construction of the Norwegian fjords and is asked to design a new Africa...with a lot of fjords. Meanwhile, the rest of the crew realizes they are in a chamber that is part of a design Catalog for the planet. The scenery is constantly changing. Zaphod tells a few secrets and then we are all of a sudden introduced to two mice, Benjy and Frankie. At this meeting, Zaphod, Ford, Trillian, Marvin and Arthur are re-united. They find out mice are the smartest animals on Earth (or were) and were performing experiments on us when we thought we were doing it to them. Well, in order to find out the meaning of life, the mice needed Arthur's brain. He ran. Everyone ran. Galactic police then found Zaphod after he had stolen the Heart of Gold. There was a little space crossfire. The guards died. The crew made it back to the Heart of Gold. Marvin caused the space police's aircraft to commit suicide because he talked to it...and that's it. That was the book. It leads directly to the next installment of the five part "trilogy" titled The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

Good book. Time to finish Fforde now. :) We are back together baby.

Now for next week...my "B" book. Here it is...are you ready?

Brom's The Child Thief. Can't wait!

Hitchhiker Day Two...the end of the world in one chapter and then some aliens and a stolen spacecraft

Well, today was TOTALLY unproductive. This being in the sense that I moved my car so the Department of Revenue does not receive any money and then went back to sleep until noon. I then put on a hat, walked to Subway next door, learned the bailar for dance in Spanish and went back to my apartment. I then decided I would go see my fellow buddy in Missed Connections, Vince, at Barnes and Noble in Evanston. I think he and I should post them on the bulletin board in the break room to see who gets the most for Old Orchard.

When I was in Evanston's store, I bought my "B" book and Cesti's opera Le disgrazie d'Amore (sorry Old Orchard, I helped Evanston's plan for the day). Pretty excited about that. I also read some Hitchhiker. After, I went home and got ready for grad class. I learned some methods of ESL tonight and then went to the gym. At the gym, I managed to squeeze in 25 mins of reading on the eliptical. I am waiting for the time I misstep on that machine and fall off b/c I am reading and texting at the same time. Schadenfreude. On the eliptical, I managed to get to Chapter 11 whilst burning 315 cals and going a distance of 2.3 miles. It is always nice to read and lose weight at the same time.

So my reading today has been of Ford and Arthur's escape from Earth and hitchhiking a ride on the Vogon's spacecraft; this ship happens to be the one that demolishes earth. The Vogon's hate hitchhikers, so one of their cooks, a Dentrassis, saves them only to piss off Vogon Jeltz. As punishment for their hitchhiking, Jeltz reads his poetry which is antagonizing (Arthur is able to understand b/c he inserts a Babelfish in his ear...a little yellow fish that transmits brainwaves and sounds into something decipherable...hence Babel). Dent tries to grovel at Jeltz's poetry and Prefect follows suit in order to save their lives but unfortunately, this does not work. Jeltz has them sent out into space (according to the hitchhiker's guide you only have 30 seconds of lung capacity before dying...they were up to 29). A passing ship, Starship Heart of Gold, captained by rogues Zaphod Beeblebrox and his mistress Trillian, pick them up just in time. The inside of the ship is warped until they can meet normal speed Backing this up for a moment: Zaphod is a president of a galaxy that gives a campaign speech to run again, sets off a bomb, distracts the audience, steals Starship Heart of Gold and takes off into the unknown. It was mere coincidence he picked up the two hitchhikers ejected by the Vogon. On board, we are introduced to a depressed, yes depressed, robot named Marvin. I love the fact that it is a depressed robot. I kind of wish Joan Rivers' robot from Spaceballs would enter the scene...I think her name was Dot Matrix. I love the fact she had a virgin alarm on her.

So back to Hitchhiker...So Marvin spends time being pissed at the ship's doors because they are cheery and thank the group for using them. As Zaphod quickly learns, the entire ship's computer system is bright and cheery which sends him into a rage. I think my favorite line of the book so far is when Marvin presents the "aliens" Ford and Arthur to Zaphod. Marvin thinks the task of getting them to the bridge to meet is too easy for a robot and states: I'll suppose you'll want to see the aliens now. Do you want me to sit in a corner and rust, or just fall part where I'm standing?" He loathes his existence and the fact that he is not using the vast space in which his brain holds. Pessi is a good nickname for him; cymbalta would be a good cure for him. I am stopping on Chapter 16 for today. I am little over halfway through the book. Arthur has just discovered Zaphod is Ford's cousin and has met him at a party before. He actually stole Arthur's hookup, Trisha McMillan (Trillian). This makes Arthur angry on many levels. Ford spends the time contemplating the fact his cousin stole the most technologically advanced spacecraft. I ended where the spaceship was orbiting the forgotten planet Magrathea.


So I was just creeping on Facebook and found a wonderful status from one of my B&N co-workers:

Dear B&N Patrons Who Can't Keep Dust Jackets on Books: I'd ask you not to breed, but I understand you have problems keeping covers on things while you use them.
Thank you, Alex.

My response to his status:

Dear B&N Patrons,

I would advise you to create a login ID on Bookmaster so you can read proper shelving guidelines. Nowhere in the Shelving Guidelines section does it say "Kama Sutra" is in the Things that Go, Pop-Ups or Juvenile Non Fiction Picture Bay. Nor does it say that Cosmo is shelved in the Disney porch. NOR does it say Paula Deen cookbooks go underneath the Thomas the Train table.

As far as dust Jackets, please learn that if you do take them off and put them back on, you at least learn how to put both ear flaps back in the book.

Thank you.

I am quickly reminded of Sarah's status:

I'm probably the only person who could manage getting a paper cut ... on their face. F- you Barnes & Noble.

Good times. Barnes and Noble is more interesting than one would think.

Well this is it for today. Thank you for enduring my bad blogging grammar, sentence structure and any other blaring mistakes I probably made whilst writing this blog. Throw me a bone. At least I am doing it.

Have a lovely night. If you need me, I will be moving my car on N Sheridan at 9AM.

Hitchhiker Day One...An Introduction

I just got home from work at Barnes and Noble this evening. I made a pit stop to a diner with Dena. We went to Golden Apple on the corner of Diversey and Lincoln. Very good. I had chili and ate some of her pancakes and a bite of her feta omelette. We had a laugh attack because of movie quoting (most specifically Mel Brooks' Dracula Dead and Loving It and The Last of the Mohicans as Dena is canoeing in the booth singing the theme music).

As I mentioned in last night's blog...written exactly 20 minutes before this time yesterday...I felt as though I would have to work at Gap...sure enough, I did. I slept into the time I was supposed to work. My schedule was not sent to me. I was a no call, no show. I guess I am officially documented somewhere. Too bad that is the first time something like that has EVER happened to me. But, rest assured, I have nothing but grad class tomorrow night. Tuesday will be reading, gym, maybe some laundry and moving my car.

Tonight was not too bad of a late night at B&N. We got out relatively early. I think there were only two little carts of strict on sale for today. I was able to tidy kids...a lot. The store was a MADHOUSE when I walked in. I made the picturebook wall look pretty again; I made sure to fill it with some of our MOUNTAINS of plush.

I was informed tonight I had yet another missed connection from this Barnes and Noble. I swear bookstores must be for hooking up these days. It is so interesting the dynamic that comes through. This is the missed connection about me posted yesterday. I was helping someone with a Nook:
"You had me at Hello!"
This morning I walked into the store and was browsing. Suddenly, you were there saying hello. We talked about the book I was looking for and the Nook. All I could see or think about was how very handsome, bright, outgoing, and personable you were. Those hairy arms did not help me focus either. My experience teaches that if you are on my team you must be taken or would never consider time with someone my age. Wish I was going on the trip I told you about with you. So, hope springs eternal...just maybe you'd like to have dinner or show me how to operate my new Nook...not that I could actuallt pay attention to that with you there. When they were giving out personality and looks you must have gotten first in line. Your first name is one of the four major saints of Ireland and its not Albie.

Wow. I feel like I am zoning the Harlequin romance novels. Barnes and Noble, what can I say?

So...now what I am really here for tonight...A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Chapters 1-3 read today on eliptical at gym. This would be pages 1-26. My eliptical workout was 25 mins: 364 cals burnt, 2.69 miles, 26 pages....music of choice: In the Heights.

There is a brief prologue to the book that describes the nature of things. Chapter One opens with Arthur Dent defending his house from a Genghis Kahn bloodlined Mr. Prosser from tearing down his house for a bypass. Prosser is tormented by thoughts of men in furry hats on horses and the lust for killing but not knowing why. He is a nervous man with authority and no ideas on how to harness it. Arthur refuses to let his house be demolished by Prosser's men and decides to lie in front of the bulldozers (so Greenpeacey). Prosser cannot react in a manner that makes Dent budge. We are introduced to Ford Prefect who is a friend of Dent. Prefect is an alien from Betelguese disguised as a struggling actor. Prefect knows the world is about to end and comes to Dent to tell him they have to talk. Prefect convinces Prosser to lie in front of the bulldozers until he and Dent get back from a bar.

Chapter 2 takes us to the bar where Prefect informs Dent he is an alien and that the world is about to end. Dent's house is demolished. Chapter 3 brings the arrival of the aliens to demolish earth for the inter-galactic freeway. Everyone is to be vaporized. This seems almost pre-Vish to me.

The first part has been enjoyable to me. I think I will finish this relatively quickly. The humor is British and witty. It almost has a Hyacinth Bucket feel (it is pronounced Bouquet).

Let's see how far I get tommorow. For now, it is time to get ready to go to bed. Gotta wake up at 8:50 to move la voiture. C'est la friggin' vie. :) Bons reves. Oh...and this is a pic of the inside of my B&N.

As far as I can tell, this blogging thing is going to be about my reading and my experiences at Barnes and Noble.

OH OH OH...the new 2010 Newbery Award was announced today: Rebecca Stead's When You Reach Me.
The 2010 Caldecott Winner was announced today, as well. Jerry Pinkney's The Lion and the Mouse. It is ABSOLUTELY incredible!!! You should check it out!
I love books! :)

Week One, Day One...It begins...The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

So today at 2:22 AM, because I am an owl, I am writing my first official blog on my 26 week journey. I peaked at the first couple of pages, yes, earlier than expected, of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I started about 3 hours 45 mins too early; I am guessing this makes 27 weeks technically because of this early start. I had an affair with Douglas Adams while still amidst a Jasper Fforde; sorry Jasper, I have to part my ways with you and go for Adams.
I am a little hyper right now because I just got my butt beat in Mario for Wii; it was the old version of Mario. I think somewhere in my list of books, I will read a role playing guide for the game to catch me up on the skills. It was fun, though, and now here I am sitting in my room on N Sheridan listening to the occasional car pass by and hoping I don't have to work at Gap at the asscrack of dawn (my schedule for this week still has not been emailed to me).

So, Hitchhiker, yes, here we go. Has anyone ever hitchhiked before? Who does that? Gypsies, angry kids that are pissed at their parents and run away and then decide they need to go home to their parents since they don't have a ride to the movie theatre or don't know how to cook? Yes, probably. Or they all need a ride to Barnes and Noble so they can irritate the snot out of us on Friday nights. Oh la.

Funny story and quick side note that is SO random. Yesterday at Barnes and Noble, apparently someone tracked in dog crap on their shoe. Well, guess who had to clean it? Me. Yes. Me. Schadenfreude. Well, at the end of the day, my manager Dena approached me with a gift card. The GM purchased a $5.00 gift card for doing this uncomfortable task. The irony: the gift card had Pooh on it! LOL. We had a good laugh. Then the head cashier said Pooh Corner was not meant to be taken literally. Oh good book humor. (Pooh books are by Milne) The even better part was today. A little girl was fed up with being in the bookstore and did a fetal position right on the carpet where I cleaned it up yesterday. Her face was smooshed into it. Take that for acting like a brat.

So...back to the blog (2:00AM equals random...plus, this is not supposed to be a novel, so I am going to be sloppy and disjointed at times and use HORRIBLE grammatical skills)...Adams.

Douglas Noël Adams was born in 1952 in Cambridge, England. His Hitchhiker series began in 1978 as a BBC radio broadcast. Later it was transformed into plays, a movie and some computer games. Adam was a dramatist and was famous for his writing. He dedicated his life to the ethical treatment of animals and the preservation of the environment. Adams atheism landed him a dedicatory spot in Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion. He died at age 49 in Santa Barbara, California in 2001. He was most famous for writing science fiction, satire and comedy. Plenty of information can be found on Adams online.

The only bit I know about The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is that it is about Earth being in the direct route of an inter-galactic highway/overpass. I am really excited about sharing my ideas about the book and my progress in reading each day. Remember...there might be a day where I only read a few pages and then other days where I fly. Grad class is priority.

Tomorrow is going to be a late post. Bestsellers are re-arranged at work for Tuesday and all of the Strict on Sale go out. Don't forget to check out the book Game Change if you get the chance. It was released about two weeks ago and is sold out all over right now. The publishers just re-printed this past week and will have the second distribution. Keep your eyes open, I hear it is a good read.

If you are going to read along side me, feel free to comment. If not, hopefully I will inspire you to read something soon enough. Every Wednesday, I will release the name of the book I will read the following week. Prices and locations for purchase will be included!

The Big 26

About a week ago I decided to embark on a journey. Due to excessive amounts of work and no time for vacation, travel (my vice) and socialization, I decided to begin escaping into a different world...books.

Currently, I am the Children's Lead Bookseller at Barnes and Noble in Chicago. My background is education and teaching and budget cuts suck. I was left with minimal salary at my school with no benefits, so I had to move on to a job that gave benefits, paid some money and made me happy. My plan is to teach again as I am currently pursuing a Master's in Teaching ESL. As I am mastering the art of bookselling, I am also mastering the art of selling clothing at Gap...I cannot even fold my own damn clothes, but here I am, doing it....and merchandising and stocking. And who can go without doing something that pertains to their college major? Not I. So, I work at Chicago Lyric Opera, too. I am happy to have all of these things to keep me busy, busy, busy and a little more busy.

Well, since time for travel is limited right now, I have been doing some traveling of my own. I am a reader and a big one at that. Books are my vacation, my destination, my safe place. They are my relation to the world and things I have done in the past. They are my gateway to future goals, travel pursuits and endeavors. Reading a book brings a world I cannot access at the moment be it fantastical or realistic.

Lately, I have had my nose stuck in books. I read when I am stopped at traffic lights, while eating in restaurants, while riding on the EL, while on break, before bed, when I wake up, when I go to bookstores and when I am on the eliptical at the gym (I am now that guy that reads and a source of laughter for the Bally girls along with the treadmill dancers)...basically anywhere. Normally I read all the time anyway, but it has gotten out of hand. I have been on a kick of reading anything that comes into my hands.

Last week, it came to my mind that I should go on a pursuit of books. I decided that starting next Monday, January 18, 2010, for the New Year (since I work out all the time anyway and don't need that as a resolution...maybe to just stop eating Subway cookies) I would read a book by a different author each week for 26 weeks. I am going to start at the beginning of the alphabet. Currently, I am finishing up Jasper Fforde's The Fourth Bear just in time to begin my journey.

I want to explore authors I have not read and authors I have read. I want to get into genres that I would not typically approach. Each day, no matter what time it is, be it at regular hours or in the wee hours of the night, I will report where I read, what I read, what chapters, my thoughts and feelings and anything else pertaining to the reading. I will insert the thoughts and feelings of these books from my colleagues, as well. Each week I will also try to do something that relates to each book. For example...if the book is about art, I will take a trip to the Art Institute. If it is about music, I will go to an opera/musical/whatever. I will take pics and post them. I will also give a brief briefing on the author and his/her intentions on writing the book if I can find it!

I just want everyone to enjoy reading as much as me. I hope someone reads along with me and wants to join and insert comments and opinions. I think it would be fun.

So, to give everyone a heads up...I am going to start with Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Sci-fi is not my forte, so why not? The version I bought is The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy; all five books bound in one. I am only going to read book one for now. This massive volume is published by Ballantine Books, New York and costs $20.00 at Barnes and Noble unless you have a member card which would knock off 10%...just sayin. :)

My next blog is going to be my past 20 favorite books that I have read prior to this. This list was made last year. Since then, I have read over 20 others and then some worthy of this list.

Enjoy your time with me! :) I hope you join me in this journey.